When Freedom Becomes a Weight

Well, I picked up my cheque for the trailer today. I can’t believe my baby is gone. But surprisingly, I don’t feel as sad as I thought I would. I am not sure if that is because my mind is full of other things or because I am tired.

I bought her on a whim. I have always wanted a trailer to escape to. One cold winter’s day, I was feeling the need for freedom and adventure, so I went looking at trailers. I had no intention of walking out owning one but I did. (Those sales guys are good at their job! Haha) Fittingly she was called Freedom Express.

I had someone drive her to a trailer park in Southern Alberta. For me, Southern Alberta is one of the most peaceful places I have ever experienced. I chose a lot in the newer section. There was no one around me, and it was like I had the place to myself.

I overlooked the Waterton River, fields of tall swaying grass and the mountains in the distance.

As I am writing this, I am starting to feel a little sad.

I was woken by the sunrise each morning and went to bed as the sun set (The summer sun sets late in Alberta). I would fall asleep to the sound of the cows and coyotes. I could see the stars from my bed when I looked out the window.

The first month I was there, I woke up one night and looked out the window. I saw what looked to be the Northern Lights.

I walked outside and looked up at the most amazing display of lights I have ever seen. Pink, purple and green, so bright.

I could cry just thinking about it.

Early mornings and late afternoons/early evenings were my favourite times.

In the mornings, I would sit outside, listen to the birds singing, the cows mooing, and write in my journal.

In the evenings I would watch the wind turbines turn while the sun sets.

This sense of peace washed over me and my mind felt clear. Every… single... time…

I spent 90% of my time there on my own. But I never felt alone. I loved the time to myself.

I would walk through the campground every day. As I was walking, I would look at the campsites, and the setups people had. I saw soooo many “This is Our Happy Place” signs.

I would often think… isn’t it crazy that we have to leave our homes to go and experience “Our Happy Place”? Why is “Our Happy Place” only somewhere we escape to on the weekends?

The trailer wasn’t always rainbows and butterflies for me.

It also brought me a lot of stress.

For instance, during my first season, I was lying in bed watching and listening to the moths flying around me. One night I must have caught over 30 moths. 

Then one day, I was standing there and I saw a mouse run by (inside the trailer)!!!

My nervous system was on high alert.

I worried about maintenance, cutting the lawn, season opening and closing procedures. Would I know what to do?

I also began to feel trapped.

Because I couldn’t move or tow the trailer myself, I felt like I was going to be stuck there if I didn’t want to be. I didn’t like the feeling of not being in control.

As my first season ended, I wondered if I had made the right decision.

I worried about the trailer all winter.

Spring came but because of my ankle, I wasn’t able to get there as much as I would have liked. I thought more and more about selling. But I was scared I was going to lose the only place that gave me peace.

I did a lot of thinking, though. I have experienced other places while travelling that gave me peace. And I began to realize that this wasn’t the only place where I could experience the beauty and calmness I craved.

I wanted to have the opportunity to go find those places again – not to be “stuck” at the trailer because I felt that I had to make the most of it because I had bought it.

So just as I bought it on a whim - and maybe not the best financial decision - I sold it under similar circumstances.

I maybe could have got more money for it, but the stress of bargaining with people and showing something I didn’t really know much about wasn’t worth the money to me.

Taking it back to the dealer where I bought it almost felt like a full-circle moment to me. Closure.

This morning I waved goodbye to my baby.

A weight lifted off my shoulders. I felt excitement in my body for the adventures that are now open to me, now that the trailer chapter is closed