The Price of Freedom
I’m sitting at the trailer. I just spent the past hour watching a marmot eat and jump onto the logs to sit and admire the view. :)
I’ve noticed the road has been noisier during this visit than it was on the other days I have been here. Or maybe it is just my state of mind. So noisy. So full. So many racing thoughts.
The uncertainty of my unsold house and trailer is heavy on my chest and throat.
Underneath all these racing thoughts is one thing: money. he financial situation I have created for myself.
I have spent most of my adult life living from pay cheque to pay cheque. I tried to save. I started contributing to an RRSP when I was 20 but somehow, decades later, I don’t have much to show for it.
It seems as though I have made one “bad” financial decision after another. Not because I was trying to be irresponsible. I wasn’t gambling money away or spending recklessly just for the sake of spending. I was trying to build a life.
In July 2020, after selling my house in Ontario, I was debt free. I moved to Alberta with a fully owned house and a car.
How did I get from there to here?
I was a mom raising two kids on my own. Their dad helped when he could, but much of the responsibility was mine to figure out. In my mind, taking care of the kids meant giving them a house to live in, a car to get where they needed to go, food on the table and experiences to remember. I didn’t want them growing up thinking life was hard.
Looking back, I can see that some of those choices came at a cost.
I spent money on travel. To others looking in, this may have seemed like an irresponsible decision. For me, this was my lifeline. Travel is me. My soul needed those trips. Travel is what makes me feel alive. I don’t regret spending one penny on travel and experiences.
In March 2025, while longing for adventure and new experiences, a thought passed through my mind. I could get a trailer. In the fall I had driven by the most beautiful spot in Southern Alberta. I could put the trailer there and admire the beauty whenever I wanted. Over the years I had spent time at friends’ trailers, and I always wanted one for myself.
So one snowy day I went to an RV shop just to look and get an idea of what it would cost. I went to the first place and told the salesperson what I was looking for in a trailer. He didn’t have any in stock, but “one just came in” to be traded. I looked at it and it was what I had envisioned. I took it as a sign, put down a deposit that day and spent some more credit. I also don’t regret it for a minute, but I don’t believe that was the smartest financial decision I have ever made. Hahaha
I have had two seasons to enjoy the trailer and my peaceful location, but I strongly feel that it is time to let it go for both my financial and physical freedom. I’m ready to release that weight from my chest.
I feel ashamed of and embarrassed by the financial situation I have gotten myself into. It is hard to actually write about it publicly. I know that there are others in the same situation, or worse. But knowing that doesn’t magically make the shame disappear. I am choosing to forgive myself. I know it is easier said than done.
I have been thinking a lot lately about credit. Credit can create the feeling of freedom because it lets us have things before we can actually afford them. But I’ve learned the hard way that credit isn’t freedom. It’s a heavy weight. I can feel that weight now. Sometimes it feels like I can barely breathe.
As I think about this new chapter, I am determined to live within my means. I don’t want to create another illusion of freedom through credit. I want the real thing.
For the first time, I think that might actually be possible. Not because I’ve suddenly figured everything out, but because something in me has shifted. I see money and credit differently now.
I don’t know exactly how this will unfold. Once again… we will see.
