Wonder Begins Where Certainty Loosens Its Grip

I’ve spent my whole life following a quiet pull toward something I couldn’t explain. Sometimes I listened. Sometimes fear was louder. But that quiet pull never disappeared.

For as long as I can remember I felt there was more to life. We couldn’t be here just to work our life away until someone said “You can stop now,” and then we die.

As a young girl, I was drawn to the stars and the unseen. I remember clipping the night sky from the newspaper, lying on our driveway and searching for the constellations. Even then, I knew deep down that there was more than this physical world we live in.

By high school I knew the world was a fascinating place. I wanted to travel and see everything I could. That is why I chose to go into a Travel Tourism program - hoping it would help me see the world. But I hadn’t yet learned to trust myself. I often found myself in situations that weren’t good for me or my soul. I let other’s opinions persuade me into decisions that I knew weren’t truly mine.

The summer of ’93 before my last year of college, my friend and I went to Jasper Alberta to work at a lodge in the mountains. I still remember that time as the best summer of my life. The moment I stepped off the plane in Calgary, I felt different – free and light. I could see the mountains in the distance. A childhood friend drove us to Jasper, and I’ll never forget the moment we crested a hill and the Rocky Mountains appeared in their full grandness. I was in awe. Every morning on my way to clean rooms, I would look at the mountains, give thanks, and say to myself – “I can’t believe I am here.” The mountains were ready to change me – and they did. I dreamed of returning once school was finished.

After college, I chose to return to Nova Scotia and re-enter a relationship with an old boyfriend instead of travelling for a year with my friend. It was the first time that I knowingly chose fear over what my heart was asking of me. 

I married him at 24. I cried walking down the aisle in front of 100+ people. I knew this wasn’t what I wanted, but I wasn’t strong enough to end it. Within a year, I couldn’t ignore the pull of my soul any longer. I ended the marriage.

I regret not having the courage to end it before the wedding. It was harder on everyone involved. But here I am. I can’t change it. All I can do is move forward.

Looking back, I can see how little I trusted myself. I didn’t believe I could build a life on my own but staying no longer felt possible.

After my marriage ended my first thought was: I need to get back to Calgary and the mountains. I didn’t know how, but the Universe stepped in. My childhood friend offered me his Aeroplan points and a place to stay while I got settled.

I arrived, went to an employment agency, and walked out with a job. I rented an apartment in a trendy part of the city. I was so happy to be there. 

Not long after I connected with someone. We started a relationship, he moved in and once again, I gave up parts of myself to the relationship.

This relationship was more aligned with me than the first. We married and those conditioned beliefs crept in… I am over 30… it’s time to have kids. We had two amazing children.

After five years in Calgary, my husband’s job transferred us to Ontario. I didn’t want to leave - I had worked hard to build a life I loved. But,I was open to new experiences, so I agreed. Secretly I felt I was giving up the life I wanted.

Ontario felt like a concrete jungle. It took years to adjust. I lived my life but once again my soul knew this wasn’t the life I longed for.

Like most relationships we had our ups and downs. As time passed, I felt our visions and values didn’t align. I chose to end the marriage. We did our best to remain amicable for the kids, but once again I had no idea how would make it work financially. I ended it anyway. I couldn’t let fear stop me.

At 38 I had two failed marriages and two small children aged 7 and 4. I promised myself I wouldn’t enter another relationship until I learned who I was and how to be true to myself.

I am still not sure how, but I ended up buying him out of the house. The kids and I lived there for nine more years. We built an incredible community and created so many beautiful memories. I am grateful for them all.

I knew Ontario wasn’t where I was meant to be. For years I dreamed of moving back to Calgary but financially it didn’t make sense.

In December 2019 the quiet pull called me west once more. The housing market was finally in my favor – sell high in Ontario, buy low in Alberta. My plan was to move after the school year. I planted the seed with the kids.

Then 2020 happened. The world shut down.

In May, I decided I wouldn’t let this stop me. My realtor and I had no idea what would happen, but I listed the house anyway. The Universe aligned again and it sold within days. I packed the house, packed the car, packed the kids and we drove four days west.

As we reached the outskirts of Calgary, a huge rainbow stretched across the sky. We were here to start our new life – for the third time.

I never looked back. The weight lifted. The openness of the Prairies and the beauty of the Rockies supported me.

A few years passed and my soul became restless again. I liked our house, but it never felt like this is it. I had a timeline in my head… when my son graduates high school I am going to start my life and make decisions for me.

In February I gave my employer notice that I would be done in June 2025. As the months passed, fear crept in. How are you going to make this work Andrea? I agreed to stay on part time hoping it would ease the transition. Instead it became more stressful and I gave my final notice for mid-September.

Earlier that year I did something wild for me… I bought a trailer. On credit. I had always wanted one. A place to travel and a place to be closer to nature. I’m not sure it was the best financial decision, and the summer didn’t unfold how I had imagined. Then again, life rarely unfolds the way we plan.

In September, I tried once again to live life on my terms. I was helping part time at the travel agency. Fear crept in again. I applied for a two month position out of scarcity. Atleast I knew it was temporary.

The job ended right before Christmas and before a trip to Central America. I planned to use that trip as the beginning of a different way of living… and it was!! Since then: a second trip to Central America, an injury, surgery, healing and preparing my house for sale.

Now I am sitting here at my trailer, looking at the mountains and fields while writing these words and reflecting. I wonder if I will have the courage to follow through on the life I dreamed of. Is it possible for me?

All I know is that my time left in this life is limited.

I have no idea what the next step is or where I will end up. But, I’m okay with not knowing.

Sometimes I think life would be easier if I were content to stay in one place and not always feel that quiet pull towards something more.

But every chapter of my life has begun with uncertainty and a lot of hope.

Wonder begins where certainty loosens its grip.