The In-between

I am sitting here at the trailer. Susan told me the house showing went well, but they need a two car garage. My heart sinks. Another showing bites the dust. Wait until the next one and hope for the best.

The house has been up for sale for two months now. I really thought it would be an easy sell. The longer I wait, the harder it is to stay positive and focused. Is this the Universe trying to tell me that I have made the wrong decision? Should I not be selling the house? Am I crazy to think I can create the life I’ve dreamed of? I don’t understand though, I see so many others online living the way I imagine. How come it feels so far away for me?

The house did conditionally sell the first week it was listed, but the buyer didn’t get their financing and the sale fell through.

During the time the house was conditionally sold, I was busy trying to find a two bedroom apartment for myself and my son. Every place I looked at left me with a sick feeling in my stomach.

Looking back, I am so grateful that house sale didn’t go through.

At the time I was disappointed. I thought I needed to find an apartment quickly and get everything settled.

But now I can see that I was about to make another decision based on what I thought I should do.

I would have rented a place because that is what I thought I needed to do to take care of my son and to make my parents feel better. That would create a life that looked responsible from the outside, while quietly knowing it wasn’t the life I wanted. I’m beginning to understand that caring for my family doesn’t mean I have to build my life around them.

Their happiness is their responsibility. My freedom is mine.

That failed sale gave me something I didn’t know I needed… time.

With additional time, I’m becoming clearer of what I want, how I want to live my life, and stronger in standing up for the choices that are truly mine.

But as much as I believe in following my dreams and trusting the unseen, I still live in the 3D world. The bills still arrive.

So here I am… somewhere between trusting the path and figuring out how to pay for it.

I wonder if that is what this in-between is really asking of me… to stop rushing to fill the empty space, to stop assuming uncertainty means I’ve made the wrong choice, to let myself discover what comes next instead of forcing an answer because I’m uncomfortable not knowing.

Today I am still figuring out the money, waiting for the house to sell, figuring out what to do with the trailer, figuring out what Pursue Your Wonder will become and learning to let those close to me have their own feelings about the choices I make.

I do feel like something is shifting though… I’m becoming less willing to abandon myself to make everyone else comfortable.

Maybe that is what the in-between is for… not to have all the answers… but to become the person who can trust herself when the answers don’t exist yet.